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You knew you were blessed when you brought home your delicate pink bundle of joy. You showered all your love on her and watched her blossom. As she grew, you enjoyed tea parties and baked cookies together. You hugged and laughed often. She wore princess dresses, and she adored you.
Then, she went to middle school, you bought her a cell phone, and everything changed.
For mothers with teenage daughters, it’s not uncommon to feel like you’ve gone from blessing to battle mode in the blink of an eye. Licensed therapist and life coach Colleen O’Grady believes there are things you can do to make the teenage years more positive and enjoyable for you and your daughter. “If moms have a strategy, they can have good moments with their daughter every day,” O’Grady said.
She suggests looking for small opportunities to show you are interested in your daughter. Just five minutes here or fifteen minutes there can really make a difference. Look for moments when she is relaxed to strike up a conversation. Also, make sure that you don’t become the 24 hour monitor. “You can get so stuck being the 24 hour checker that your relationship becomes all about the list of things she has to do,” advised O’Grady.
Additionally, moms need to resist engaging in all the drama their daughters may create. O’Grady explains that teenage girls are hard-wired for drama. A girl’s prefrontal cortex, which controls impulsivity and emotional outbursts, is not fully developed until her late 20s. Combine that with her changing hormones, and you have a recipe for some tense moments and conflict.
“Drama is the enemy of any mother daughter relationship,” commented O’Grady. When your daughter is having a meltdown, the biggest priority is to get her to calm down and de-escalate the situation. This is not the moment to resolve the conflict or dole out punishments. “The reward for not reacting in that moment is that you have time to create a plan.”
Later, if you feel a consequence is needed, you can come up with something that helps your daughter make amends. For example, you can have her help you make dinner. “Empower her to be a healthy adult by learning to make amends. It’s a great life skill.”
Of course, it’s easy to say don’t match your daughter shout for shout, but not “losing it” in the heat of an argument can be pretty difficult. O’Grady recommends a couple ways to help you achieve that goal. A big part of her Power Your Parenting Program urges mothers to take care of themselves. She describes the Mom Phenomenon as when “you pay attention to everyone and everything in your life except you.”
Imagine yourself as a cup. When you first become a mother, you are full of patience, love and kindness. That is what spills out of you for your child. However, if you become consumed with caring for everyone else and neglect yourself, you become full of stress, exhaustion and resentment. Then stress and anxiety will be spilling out of you towards your child. O’Grady firmly believes, “It is crucial to pay attention to you.”
Finally, O’Grady stresses living with intention. “An intention is a guiding principle that helps you remember what your really want and how you want to respond to your family.” Just saying you intend to be a good mom is too broad. You have to really examine your desires for your family and create a very personal statement. For example, if you fear you are too hard on your daughter, your intention could be: “I intend to see my daughter’s strengths.”
O’Grady advised that, “If you live proactively and intentionally, these can be the best years with your daughter.”