By Patti Parish-Kaminski, Publisher
Wearing the white successfully requires meticulous forethought to avoid disaster.
I understand that wearing white is in vogue. It’s classic, crisp. It’s a clean look. Well, not now that’s it past Labor Day. Mother would still fuss at me if she saw me in a white ensemble post Labor Day.
I personally own white jeans. Well, I don’t actually. I took them from Lisa Ann’s closet in March, and they just never made it to back to her. They’re Gloria Vanderbilt. We’re kindred spirits, Gloria and I. We both love outrageous fashion, fancy perfume, the perfect jean, and we both have the most adorable sons. The jeans – they just belong with me. They’re better off.
I will wear said jeans on certain summer occasions, but there’s always drama. It’s a bold choice. Wearing so much white automatically sets you up for failure if not properly prepared. To circumnavigate the white woes, I make a concerted effort to be prepared.
First, I thoroughly research my intended destination. If there is too much outside or if it’s too peopley, I make a different decision. I can’t risk being dirty or spilled on. I pack a Tide To Go stick in my purse. The commercials indicate these magic dirt disappearers are game changers. I have not found that to be the case. I tend to create significant stains that overpower the Tide tube, the over-achiever that I am.
When donning white, I avoid eating. Food is overrated in my book, so I’m good with that. Losing 53 pounds will change a girl’s perspective on nutrition. As Emily expounded in The Devil Wears Prada, “I don’t eat anything, and when I feel like I’m about to faint, I eat a cube of cheese.” White cheese is preferrable thereby minimizing the stain risk.
I also focus on consuming clear liquids. Fortunately, champagne is clear-ish as I do not relish the thought of white wine. I will, on occasion, consume a good Pinot Grigio, but it has to be really hot outside and the vino really cold. Since outside is not a preferred destination when wearing white, Pinot Grigio really isn’t a white outfit option.
I try to avoid drinking red wine. I didn’t believe that when I wrote it – just now. Who am I kidding? A good cabernet is worth the risk – always.
These white woes got to me to thinking about brides. Why in the world do women on arguably one of the most important days of their lives set themselves up for failure wearing white head to toe? There’s food, people, cake, vino – it’s a recipe for disaster. Why would you want to embark on a new phase of your life when the odds of getting through the event untarnished are not in your favor?
I personally did not wear a white wedding dress, even though Mr. Kaminski was my first husband. He’s also my last husband. Not sure he knows that, but it’s a done deal. No takesies backsies with this girl. I wore ecru then had to go on to explain what ecru was to Mr. Kaminski.
“It’s an earthy color, like unbleached linen or raw silk,” I explained.
“So, it’s beige?” was his reply.
“Not hardly,” was my retort.
I didn’t have anything white at my wedding, which I firmly believe has led to a successful 31 years of unblemished matrimony. Well, I’m unblemished. Not so sure about Mr. Kaminski. I’ve likely scarred him for life with decades of triggers. But on that blissful day, I simply refused to set myself up for failure with a white wedding, and it’s worked out. See y’all next week – on the porch!
Patti Parish-Kaminski
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